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May 7th

Working everyday like it’s my last.

It’s been two months into my current job, 5 weeks as a full-time developer. That’s longer than may of my other jobs in my less than illustrious career. Last March, I traded in potentially extra income for job security. But what the heck is job security? I haven’t felt secured in a job for over 2 years, including right now.

Ever since getting canned from my first full-time job, I’ve been working, if I’m working, like it’s the last day. There are some benefits. When there is a heavy workload I felt needed so I don’t feel pressured. And when the day comes when I’m no longer needed, I pack up and move on like it was nothing.

But then the opposite happens, I freak out when I find myself puttering around not doing much at my job. Today a co-worker pointed out that it looks like I’ve been taking it easy the last two days. He’s part right. No, I was working at a normal rate. However, compared to the rest of my co-workers, who all have long term projects that never seem to be completed (not their fault, it’s mainly feature creep from clients), I was having a pretty easy week.

The workflow at the office is mainly out of my control, but I still cannot help but feel I’m not doing my part nor feel good enough to keep my job. I find myself looking for something productive to do but for various reasons I can’t. It’s one thing to be an anonymous cog in a large corporation and ride it out, but I work in a tiny shop so there is no place to hide. Even though I work in a wonderful place I still feel everyday is my last, and no one but myself can convince me otherwise.

So what can I do about it? Work hard, lay off the distractions, don’t be a screw-up, be a pro, get better at my job, and earn the right to be in control of my own destiny for once. Easier said than done, and I have to demonstrate it everyday.

For all I know, it could be my last.

Go home
  • mayhemchaos

    I wont count this as a distraction then since it's uplifting and motivating :)